Mom needs to escape

Sitting in The Grove on Chestnut Street in San Francisco, after having just stormed out of my house. I am beyond frustrated and it’s because of my kids.

Everywhere I look moms are sitting with kids, who are NOT pulling on them, nagging at them or having a temper tantrum. Just net to me, a mom has a newborn in the bjorn and her three year old is calmly sitting next to her, sucking on a lollipop. At another table two moms sit sipping coffee, each with a toddler CALMLY sitting in a stroller, looking at an iphone.

Granted, the whole bebe-with-electronics thing kind of creeps me out. The iphone has become the new addiction etc. But honestly, at this point Id be in heaven if mine would sit and play with anything short of live dynamite and just let me have a conversation for more than 30 seconds.

This morning I took my two to the playground and noticed that there wasn’t more than one minute time span that someone (Bebe) wasn’t calling “mamamamama” or “mama look at me”. I mean, CONSTANTLY! Then La Petite starts, I think vying for attention, either calling “mama look at me” or coming over and pulling on me, wanting me to come climb up the play structures with her.

It’s worse when, like today, we met up with my friend , Nadine, and her little one. Nadine sits there calmly while her tot plays near her or wanders away to climb up the slide. Every once in awhile the two year old comes over to check in with mom and Nadine smiles, gives her daughter a big hug and kiss and then the little one wanders off. Meanwhile Bebe is calling “mama look at me!” from the monkey bars and La Petite is pulling on me “mama I need you” so that by the end of a mere 45 minutes I’m about to boil over AND am thinking HOW am I going to get through the rest of the day?

They are constantly questioning, complaining or nagging. There is little if no silent time and when the two of them are alone with me it is constant rivalry for attention, sitting on lap, getting hugs, or just talking. Non stop. I mean NONSTOP talking, demanding, pulling.

So HOW do other moms do it? I have tried all the typical methods of setting limits. I’m not overly indulgent and I am definitely not personally invested in my kids “needing” me. You know those moms who NEED their kids to need them. I don’t! I must be the only mom who feels like “please DON’T need me!” Please need someone else!

To make matters worse, when my husband comes home and I’m desperate to escape the kids, they treat him like he’s the boogey man “no daddy no daddy!” and run away from him. The only way for me to have ANY break is to escape – to physically LEAVE the house. Which is exhausting for me after six years, and discouraging for dear old dad.

Today, when DH came home and was going to take over the kids, they ran from him in terror, I ended up doing bathtime while folding laundry and he is reading a book. He shrugs and says “I cant do anything if they run away from me”. Which I understand – it’s tough for him t take charge if they run from him in terror (which is completely unfounded) but it means I dont get a break, I end up fuming, spitting fire at both husband and kids and storming out.

Sunny California

So we just moved back to San Francisco after 7 years back and forth between Paris and Italy. Bittersweet. Especially after a challenging month of "transition" in Italy which was meant to be "relaxing" but began with Bebe getting hit by a car and ended with me being seriously ill for weeks. Fun. We landed in SF exactly as we had NOT meant to - feeling like we were refugees. After all of our planning to return calm and rested. I think this is an impossible task with two small children under any circumstances. On the drive from the airport to my mom's house (where the four of us are crashing as husband and I frantically search for a place to live. Miraculously we got both kids into charter school - an impossible feat - but can't find a place to rent!) - we arrived smack in the midst of Gay Pride. The kids staring out the window at a man strolling down the street wearing a backpack and sandals. And that's all. Welcome to SF! After years of manhandling my kids into "appropriate dress" in Paris ("appropriate" by Paris standards does NOT include my kids' favorite outfits: 1. fairy wings, 2. Dora the Explorer Nightgowns. 3. No pants).

So far things have gone well (minus Bebe's current dislike for the Golden Gate bridge, which we cross every day to go to camp. No idea what her opposition is but every day I hear "OH NO! NOT THE Golden Gate BRIDGE!" with La Petite chiming in chorus "Not the bridge!"

Yesterday, Grandma and I took the kiddos on what was meant to be a kid-friendly outing to see children's theatre. The show was at the Fairfax Community Theatre. Fairfax is the epitome of birckenstock/organic/family friendly/ LIBERAL/"peace" - it's where all those folks still stuck in the 60s venture to live. The home of "peace and love".

So we are in the theatre. The show is horrid. I mean, I have seen a LOT of theatre and i have an extremely high tolerance for anything that keeps my kids entertained, but this was pretty intolerable. Bebe was entranced (I think the Pirate costumes had something to do with that). And La Petite was chattering away, as three year olds do, We tried to keep her voice to a whisper but, as all kids, she had several comments she was just dying to make. After years of shushing kids and trying to keep them quiet and still in Paris, I was relieved to be in a kid friendly, casual atmosphere.

Oh did I mention that there were ten people in the entire audience? So this lady behind me taps me on the shoulder and says "i think it is highly inappropriate that you have brought your daughter. She is disturbing the actors!" It was all I could do not to retort "these actors are so awful I don't think an 8.0 earthquake would disturb them." They all appeared to be walking coma victims. You have to work pretty hard to appear this inanimate while performing on stage.

I couldn't deal with a fight. Or more of the horrible show, so we left. Bebe was disappointed. Surprisingly she had been entranced and now we had to explain why we were leaving.

So we went to feed the ducks at the Palace of Fine Arts. A sure fire hit with the kids and what could go wrong? Feeding the ducks was a regular activity for me growing up.

Bebe recovered from her disappointment, and for the first time seemed to have overcome her fear of the swans. She was proudly tossing them bits of bread when a voice booms over my shoulder "YOU! STOP feeding the ducks! You are making them fat! You are ruining them!"

I turned to see a livid old man, shaking with fury. What is going on here? Bebe was upset and I could tell she was about to start crying. I pulled myself up to my full 5'2" height and told him"Back off buddy! Today we are feeding the ducks!"

What the hell is going on here? I don't eat foie gras. I barely eat meat. I am all for save the planet, the animals, the planets, the air , the water. But for goodness sake since when did it become an act of cruelty to take your kid to feed the damn ducks?

Friendly Bay Area aint as friendly as I thought!